when she was cumming she looked like terri schiavo. it took all of my memorized porn images to not go limp.
You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
I saw his dick soo much last night when I saw him this morning all I saw was penis where his face should be
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
Randomize
