Old men and throwing up are my life now.
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
did i walk over a car last night?
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
Randomize
