Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
Lol I'm just saying its too early for your penis, I can accept it but at a more decent hour
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
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