dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
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