she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
guys are not supposed to queef...right?
The last thing i remember is saying breakfast beer and carrying the keg to my room and locking the door.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
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