I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize
