I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
I was getting a bj with sports center on in the background
Da na na, na na naa
dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
