ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
so I think I'm done having sex with her, she's way too crazy
what about the blowjobs for adderall?
no those are still okay
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
Randomize
