Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
I have grass duct taped all over my body
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
There's nothing classy about a pregnant girl at a frat party...remember that.
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