I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
Was that before, or after strip tac toe.....
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
Randomize
