Moan for me like Helen Keller
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
Randomize
