I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
perhaps when you are drinking red wine from a tall glass with a straw it is time to call it a night.
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
So the bros are yelling at another bro to get that dildo off the roof. And there is indeed a dildo looking object on the roof.
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
We need to find out what drug we took so we can take it everyday from here on out
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
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