Princesses don't give blow jobs
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
He's hinting that I'm starting to be kicked out of their blunt rides, I can feel it.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
Randomize
