my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
yeah...it smells like an asshole would smell if someone ate sewage.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
Randomize
