She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
yesterday pre dick pic he said "no disrespect to your situation but i cant wait to get ahold of you again in the future" is this how people network??
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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