I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
Just saw a teacher from our school with his wife... Now i really know how little teachers get paid.
Quiet hours sex sucks. I hate finals.
Dude i'm seriously thinking about his nipples.
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
Randomize