I'm jealous of your bromance
I know its small, but please -- stop calling it my "weenis".
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
Randomize
