dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
Randomize
