george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
do you ever get flashbacks of ppl you had sex with and just shudder at how gross they were/how drunk you were?
story of my life.
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
You going to have to be more specific than the night we blew an 8ball off the toilet..
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
