Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
Get your damn GED now that you are harvesting a child in her belly
What is a GED?
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
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