Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
Randomize
