i can smell the iron from margo's period blood from across the table.
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
I've decided he is effectively a mouth, hands and cock held together by bad ideas and compliments, and I'm OK with that.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
Randomize
