No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
So I just went to student health services and on my way in there was a girl outside on her phone saying "I just dont want you to be angry" and on my way out she was saying "I have the side effects sheet right here" Someone started the semester off classy
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
I think i can make this amish girl legitimately hot.
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
They were greeting people getting off the 48 with green beers and cheers. The one day I decide not to take the bus home...
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
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