i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
Randomize
