Its a bunch of hippies dancing in front of a stobe light. For ten dollars I could have gone to the strip club and at least had a lap dance
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
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