I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
I may be a little high but I'm pretty sure my alphabet soup has only Os in it
We call that spaghetti Os
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
Last time i was there we saw the window of the pizza place we were at get busted, we were pulled out of a taxi to be questioned by the cops, and we peed outside a waffle house. I'm in.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
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