DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
I don't know where I keep finding these guys, but mi power bottoms es su power bottoms.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
He shit in the fireplace
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
One of these days I would like to go out drinking and stick to plan of just getting drunk and not be sidetracked with other people's plans of doing drugs along the way. I didn't even want to not feel my teeth tonight but here we go just another Thursday night when you live I live
Randomize
