I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
where are you guys?
stoned at his house watching water boil
Randomize
