I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
thats what you get for writing a paper after liquor pitchers
its only a rough draft.
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
He has a bear rug in his room. I'm going to ask if we can have sex on it. Wilderness sex.
Randomize