Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
I'm going to rape someone's good day.
DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
He;s fine. He just kept saying "hurricane Gordon is coming to shore" and flexed his muscles a lot.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
Sorry my hands just texted you
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
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