pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
if being creepy is wrong, then i don't want to be right
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
just found out that she named her cat after me.
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
Randomize
