Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
why do our vaginas work when we are blacked out?? it's just not fair.
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
Randomize
