In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
No. I was horrified and confused as to why you thought scrambled eggs and cottage cheese was a good mix
I need a DD tuesday morning around 9 AM
I'm scared to ask why.....
1st bikini wax. Jose Cuervo is helping me prepare.
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
I thought 4 percs were too many but I'm dumping Gogurt on apple pie and taking giant bong rips. This feels right.
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
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