this is amzing! feels like my body is having sex with its surroundings!
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
we started drinking at 4pm, somehows its 1 am im in bathing suit running from the cops.....any explanation of what happened?
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
Randomize
