Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
The whole movie was ruined when some chick started laughing with what you could tell was QUITE the mouthful. This of course made the guy laugh harder.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
If by whore you mean UPGRADE....then yes I am
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
