you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
i pounded out a 17-yr-old on saturday night
no, that is not a typo
i turned her down on fri night, googled the state consent laws & then caved on saturday
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
Randomize
