I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
dude im at a party with a bunch of 17 year old gilrs this is awesome
no its not leave
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
Found your dick twin last night
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
He had really great hair, but he told me he's been in a psych ward three times. I mean I know I'm a psych major, but that's too much.
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
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