The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
you inspire me to be a worse person
I don't believe u have enough text space to describe the dimensions of his penis.
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
Randomize