I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
Pretty sure I can show you the text you sent me stating some interest in my penis entering your mouth if said circumstances were met.
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
Randomize
