Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
Ive done some fucked up shit, but last night was the first I have Poured milk on anothers mans face in the shower.
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
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