just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
My underwear smells like fireworks.
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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