I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
Nah it's alright, I'll just ride cock all the way to hell
No I did a yoga dvd and hit my ex up via email for some pot in exchange for his mail.
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
Randomize