so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
I made him hve sex with me in the elevator so that I could put my finger down in never have I ever.
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
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