she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
Do not take the D yet, he needs to be worth it. Your Vagina is GOLD.
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
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