Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
A 21st bday and NYE should be illegal to have in the same week...
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
Randomize
