If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
why is there a picture of someone wearing Tevas with socks taped on the wall?
There is no way when we get home that nothing will hapen
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
I got inside last night via doggy door
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
Randomize
