I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
she was puking nonstop out of the car window in the rain during our hour long drive back, we got lot of honks
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
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