dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
I disagree, if your last name is Weiner then the sending of dick pics should be mandatory. I'd give him a pass.
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
boys just don't understand what they're missing out on.
he's missing out on my boobs looking marvelous this evening.
Randomize