That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
so this was truly a case of the blacked out leading the blacked out.
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
I just mixed tangerine juice with sauv blanc. on an unrelated note, my episide of intervention is slated to run in April.
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
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