and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
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