I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
we just ha sex. he lasted two minutes. i told him to leave because i had class
isnt today saturday?
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
Randomize
