there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
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