Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
hes either a crazy bad problem or a crazy good orgasm. I just can't decide which one.
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
i black out too much to be "responsible"
Randomize
