Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
I should probably add her on Facebook for as much as I cheat off her in Physics, huh?
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
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