I thidmdmk you'gre a special person
Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
38 yer olds are good kisserssss
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
Randomize
