he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
Just once id like to sleep with a man who i havent thrown up on
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
Randomize
