Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
I just watch that 70s show all day and blaze whenever they do. It's nice being part of the circle
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
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