my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
Ok love is a little strong. But he consented to Nachos, beer and board game date with my cats. Keeper.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
i need to put some appletini on your dick
We literally laid down in the back of my car and had sex in a parking lot and it was in the top 3 best moral-less decisions I've made.
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
Randomize
