it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
drinking warm bud heavies i found in the garage and googling how to tell the gosselin kids apart.
Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
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