maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
cliffnotes. writing studyguide on last pack of smokes. glad this semester is over.
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
Randomize
