In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
no it was
but you compared your dick to a female disney character
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
last night we watched this really loud chick try and pick up this smoking french guy who's english was sooo bad. she finally pointed at her beer and then her vagine
gross
like you've never done an interperative dance for sex, please
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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